


Pardons

by zeldadestry



Category: Nikita (TV 2010)
Genre: Community: 100_women, Episode Related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-20
Updated: 2012-04-20
Packaged: 2017-11-04 00:01:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/387422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeldadestry/pseuds/zeldadestry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She can’t sleep.</p><p>She sits down on the couch in the living room, rests her elbows on her thighs, and hides her face in her hands.  </p><p>“Hey.  You ok?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pardons

**Author's Note:**

> Coda for episode 218 - "Power"  
> prompt 90, "comfort", for 100_women fanfic challenge

She can’t sleep.

She sits down on the couch in the living room, rests her elbows on her thighs, and hides her face in her hands. 

“Hey. You ok?”

The voice nudges at her, nuzzles up to her, sweet and concerned. She sits up straight, smiles a little, tries to pretend she’s someone who isn’t troubled by strange dreams. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

Alex walks over to her, sits down at her feet. Nikita lets her fingertips stroke through the tangles of Alex’s hair. “Feels nice,” Alex murmurs, turning her face enough to rest her cheek against Nikita’s knee. “I heard the door to your room open and thought you might be up.”

“I hope I didn’t wake you.”

“No.”

Nikita wonders how it happened, how Max came to exist, if Cassandra planned for a child. She can’t imagine letting herself be in that position. Did Amanda ever want to have a baby? If she’d had one, would she have left Nikita alone? All my life, she thinks, stroking her thumb back and forth across Alex’s soft cheek, I’ll wonder how badly I hurt you, if I ruined your chances for happiness, just like they tried to do to me. “Everything ok?” she asks, and hates herself for it, for continuing to pretend she’s there for Alex, that she has comfort to offer.

“You could have died.”

“I didn’t.”

“I know. I just- I can’t-” She huffs her breath. “It’s pretty freakin disturbing to have a reason this important to be grateful to Amanda.”

“What reason?”

Alex slides an arm behind Nikita’s calves, hugging her legs. “You, duh. She didn’t shoot you. I mean, I know it was mostly strategic on her part-” 

“Strategic?”

“Well, yeah. What I would’ve done to her? What Michael would’ve done?” 

Nikita shivers, a little, at that. “I don’t want you to worry about me.”

“Oh, ok, then, I’ll stop right away, boss.”

“Shut up.” 

Alex reaches for Nikita’s right hand with her own, squeezes her fingers. “So what’s keeping you up? Know it’s not the brush with death, you’re so used to those.”

“Nothing. It’s not important.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Alex-”

“Tell me.”

“Is that an order?”

“Yes.”

She can’t, though. She’s brave, braver than most, in almost every way, and she knows it. She can ask hard questions, she can face ugly truths, even about herself, but she doesn’t know if she’d ever be able to say: I don’t know if I’m any good for you. I don’t know, since after I saved your life, if I’ve done more to hurt you than to help you. “I don’t want to be like Amanda.” Alex laughs. “What?”

“I just can’t believe you’d even think that. You’re nothing like her. You never could be.”

We all are, sometimes, Nikita thinks. Sometimes we put away all tenderness, shore up any vulnerability, just so we can get the job done. “I can be ruthless.”

“I know.” Alex slowly takes to her feet. Now Nikita has to look up to see her, become a supplicant. “So can I.” Alex reaches out her hand and Nikita takes her arm by the wrist, presses a kiss to her fingers. “I’m tired.”

“You should get back in bed.”

“I will if you will.”

“Deal.”

She stands, still holding Alex’s wrist, and lets Alex lead her to the extra bedroom Nikita’s currently using. She gets into bed first and then it’s Alex’s turn to follow. They lie on their sides, close together in the dark, not touching, but able to feel each other’s heat. “You’re right,” Alex whispers, staring at Nikita, eyes wide and honest. “We can all be like Amanda but we, most of the time, choose otherwise. And look, look at what happened. Now we know it’s not impossible for Amanda to choose to be like you. And that-” her voice cracks, “that’s amazing.”

“You’re amazing.”

“Thank you.” Alex smiles. “I think I can sleep now.” 

“Yeah, me too.”

“Sweet dreams.”

Nikita waits, watching until Alex falls asleep.


End file.
